Anxiety, depression, grief, motherhood, Uncategorized

For those who wonder…

Dear everyone who wonders why I haven’t called/visited/answered texts/made plans to meet up,

I have been having a pretty shitty time lately… I say ‘lately’ because for the past 2 years my head has been stuck in a pretty fucked up moment, which seems to never want to leave.

Leaving my life in the countryside with the perfect home, the perfect job, the perfect partner, zero money worries, my family and my entire support network to come and live in the city as a single working mum was a breeze compared to how I currently feel.
Despite my parents threatening to disown me for being so “selfish” and leaving such a “perfect” world. I wanted to bring my children up the best way I could. I wanted to take them away from the small town discrimination and prejudice that I experienced growing up, so that they could find their own wings and spread them wide. That part was easy…

I also found attending every parents evening alone easy. And not having a babysitter or anyone to call upon to sit in with the girls while I nipped to the shop for milk. That was easy, as was going to work and having no local friends or social life…

I moved to the City months after losing my Nan. The most significant and loving person I have ever known. I wanted to be in this City because I wanted to be close to my elderly Grandad who had fallen into a great depression after losing his amazing wife, and my disabled aunt who then had to go into care. Watching that was hard. My heart had started to break watching him disappear into a fragment of the man he once was.
That was hard.

What was also hard was seeing my dad in the emergency room after being flown in by helicopter, after a major head injury. Listening to the doctor saying he’d never walk again. Watching him cry as he couldn’t feel his legs. The weeks of visiting him in intensive care, semi-conscious, the things we told each other… the apologies and promises.
That was hard.

The amazement of a miracle when after months and months of fighting he started to walk… He astonished even the doctors. We were delighted. Especially my little cousin who looked upon him like a father. The most amazing little cousin who helped me feel part of the family even though my Mum and Dad split up years ago when I was only a baby. He truly made me feel welcome in the family and we formed a very close bond.

When only months later, my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer that miracle was crushed. My cancer scare came only weeks later…

Another devastating event was also happening at this point, which affected my mother’s side of the family, which I struggled to deal with at the time.

The month later, when my grandad died I was pretty screwed up. So a few months after that, when my teenage cousin died only two weeks before my father… That kinda pushed me over the edge.

It’s a wonder how I got through that job interview between the death of my father and his funeral… but that’s how well people can hide their problems. Crazy, huh?

So, on top of working in an extremely stressful job five days a week and being both a mother and a father to my two daughters, who are now hitting puberty –  it’s kinda tough going! Especially when that whirlwind of events that happened a couple of years ago are still so deeply fresh because I haven’t had a second to process what the actual fuck has happened.

I still get the usual routine fuck ups for eg. The car breaking down and costing hundreds to fix, teeth falling out, dying animals, threats of losing my job, moving house, running out of money, school bullying etc. but that’s easy!

I mean, I do get a break… I have to for the hospital visits that I am squeezing in while the girls are at school.

And because I’m completely “selfish”, I like to cook my girls a healthy, homemade meal every night – because that makes me feel like a good mum.
I also like to help them with their homework every evening  – because I feel proud when they stick in at school and do well.
I like to take them for long walks on the weekends, for fresh air and adventures – because I love to see them running free.
I continue to give those girls a full and amazing childhood because that is what I must do -because THEY are my priority.
My every last breath of energy goes into being an amazing mother!

I collapse every evening, usually around 9 pm, after I’ve done a bit of tidying ready for a 6 am start the next day… ready to do it all again.

Oh yeah… and I also have a really shitty case of anxiety and hate to talk about what’s going on in my head, but hey…

THAT is why I haven’t “been myself” lately, and I do apologise if I’ve upset anyone.

Love

Me x

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